Do you have influence and can you develop it?
“Power is of two kinds: One is obtained by fear of punishment and the other by acts of love.” Mahatma Gandhi
In this issue of my newsletter, we’ll be talking about Influence.
What it is.
Why it’s essential.
How to develop it.
What is Influence?
When I first began learning about influence, I came from a jaded perspective. I’d been manipulated and it had nearly ruined me. The problem was that I considered that type of power…power I allowed someone to have in my life, as influence. And in some ways, it was. It was a type of negative influence.
Since beginning my coaching journey… taking courses, reading books, coaching, being coached…I’ve come to view influence quite differently.
So what is influence?
Merriam-Webster defines it a few ways:
- The power or capacity to cause an effect in indirect or intangible ways; sway
- a. The act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command.
b. Corrupt interference with authority for personal gain. - One that exerts influence.
Recently, I’ve come to view influence in a very positive light. Many of my clients bristle when we talk about influence and developing it in their lives. I like to clarify and say, “I’m talking about influence with people, not over people.” Major difference.
Why Influence is Essential
Without influence, we struggle. Here are six reasons influence matters:
- Influence makes a difference in relationships. Maybe you’re trying to get a project moved forward at work or convince a spouse to see something from your perspective. Again, this is not to be thought of as coercive control but rather professional/loving collaboration.
- Influence can help you achieve your goals. With the right influence developed, you can move mountains. Influence is not commanding from the top down demanding compliance or submission.
- Influence creates safety. Ooh, this is good! Ethical influence fosters trust. When people feel seen, heard, and respected, they are more open to reflection, learning and change. Without that safety, influence turns into pressure or compliance…definitely not what we’re looking for. The type of influence I’m suggesting recognizes power differences and handles them with care. There will frequently be power differences: the employee doesn’t have the same say in company decisions as the CEO because they don’t understand all the varying aspects of a company that go into making said decisions.
- Influence sets cultural norms. What we normalize through influence becomes culture…whether in families, organizations, churches, or communities. Good influence models accountability, humility, and mutual respect. Couldn’t we all use a little more of that?
- Influence is central to healing and change. Lasting change rarely comes from force. It comes from influence that honors the person, timing, their readiness, and dignity. Especially for those who have experienced trauma or abuse. You don’t always know what people have gone through and maybe how influence was injurious.
- Influence carries moral responsibility. To influence is to affect another human being’s inner and outer world. Proper influence recognizes this as a moral act. One that requires self-awareness, restraint, and accountability. We must develop those traits so as to develop proper influence.
How to Develop Influence
I’ll touch on three points we can work on to develop influence.
- Influence how people think. I know this may sound arrogant, but I’m not suggesting you come at it in a way that shows that your way is better than how they’re currently thinking. It’s about getting them to think about themselves, others, and the world. Most of us already do this in some fashion when we say, “Think of it this way,” “What do you think about…?”, “What are your thoughts on how we approach this…?” If we’re in a work environment, we want to clearly communicate how people should be thinking about themselves, their competitors, their customers, their peers. You create the culture. Have you created values for your team, your family etc? Have they been conveyed clearly?
- Champion others. A large number of employed adults in the U.S. do not feel valued by their employers and sufficiently rewarded for their efforts. Many don’t feel involved enough in decision making, helping to solve problems or setting any goals. While I know not all companies can include every employee in these areas (they’d likely not be able to get much done), it’s important to understand many feel this way. How can we change that? Champion them. Encourage them. Praise them publicly for a job well done or something extra they did. Understand if there’s big things going on in their lives. There’s a big difference in how an employee whose mom is going through chemotherapy feels when the boss just walks by and says nothing versus, “Hey, Bob. How’s it going? How’s your mom doing?” Night and day, and it doesn’t take some monumental effort.
- Role model the way. “We don’t believe the message if we don’t believe the messenger. Who you are, how you show up in life, the actions you take, and the values and principles you enact are closely watched by the world.” -Brendon Burchard. Not much needs to be said here, in my opinion. If they see you slacking off, they’re apt to do the same. They notice you take the trash out, they’ll take notice and be more inclined to help around the office, usually. They’ll notice how you treat others. Are you patient, do you listen like the person matters, do you treat customers and talk about them when they’re not there kindly? You get the idea.
In Closing
Hopefully, you’ve come to see influence as something positive and to develop in your life. If you’ve found yourself on the wrong side of good influence, I hope you can see the value in a broader, kinder approach. I leave you some questions I ask my clients when we discuss this issue:
- What values do you want people to experience when they are with you?
- Where do you hold more power or visibility than you may realize?
- What helps you stay grounded in influence without taking responsibility for others’ choices?
- What does repair look like for you when your influence misses the mark?
- What would influence look like for you, without control, fixing, or self-abandonment?
Remember: the best version of yourself lies on the other side of your fear.