Author: Pamela

What exactly is it and can it be improved?

When Memory Goes Missing in Abuse

For years I believed something was wrong with my memory.

Conversations would disappear. Events would blur together. When I tried to explain what had happened in my marriage, I often couldn’t recall details clearly enough to make sense of it.

I later learned there was a name for what I was experiencing: abuse amnesia.

I thought I’d offer some clarification on a topic that came up in my Live with Traci at Let’s Get UnStuck this past Wednesday about abuse amnesia.

You can listen here:

https://creatingclarity.substack.com/p/lets-get-unstuck-x-pam-voss

Traci had me read one of my articles about how my journaling led me to really see what was going on in my marriage.

Without journaling, I’m honestly not sure I would have ever gained enough clarity to leave my marriage.

I began writing things down because conversations seemed to disappear. I would remember something happening, but later I couldn’t recall the details clearly enough to explain it. It was so frustrating and confusing.

When I went back and read my journal entries, the pattern became undeniable. That was frightening.

That was the beginning of my clarity. Read here

What Is Abuse Amnesia

One of the things that came up in the Live with Traci was the idea of abuse amnesia. Yes, it’s a thing. It is sometimes called dissociative amnesia.

It is very common in people who have experienced traumatic events, witnessed traumatic events like war or horrible accidents, and experienced long-term abuse whether it is physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or financial. It can all contribute.

So what exactly is it? Is it permanent?

Technically, there are a few types of dissociative amnesia. I won’t go into all of them or get too technical here. You’re most welcome.

This type of amnesia, also called abuse amnesia when it is in relation to abuse is when your mind blocks out important information about yourself, conversations, experiences, etc. One of the common reasons it occurs is that your mind is trying to block out things to protect you from unpleasant, distressing or otherwise traumatic experiences.

It’s not the same as simply forgetting something. Typically you have the memories but can’t just access them. There’s a lot going on up in that ol’ noggin of ours. It’s responsible for memories, our sense of identity, perception (think vision and hearing), motor ability to name a few. When our brain dissociates, it’s a defense mechanism that our mind can use to keep one or more of these things from working with the rest.

So what’s happening?

How Trauma Affects the Brain

Physiologically, your brain is actually changing. Promise I won’t go deep. The hippocampus that is responsible for storing and releasing memories, actually shrinks with long-term stress (think cortisol) and episodes of trauma that cause PTSD.

The amygdala, on the other hand, is more primal. It controls things such as breathing and heart rate and basic emotions of love, hate, fear and lust that are considered primal emotions. It’s also responsible for the fight-or-flight response. Victims of abuse live in this state almost constantly. The amygdala remembers the things we felt, saw and heard each time we have a traumatic experience. This is why subliminal hints or even photos can trigger all the emotions.

How Trauma Scrambles Memory Filing

When it was suggested I get EMDR therapy during my marriage counseling for clear signs of PTSD I was still experiencing from my first marriage, I learned how the brain and memories work.

Typically (and this is my rendition of what the counselor told me), our brain forms memories, stores them similar to how you would store things in a filing cabinet (think I just gave away my age).

When either something happened to trigger that memory or it was somehow brought up, your brain knows right where to go to retrieve the memory and re-experience it, if you will.

When there’s trauma present, your brain files things chaotically and not necessarily in the best place in the filing cabinet. This is how you can be very triggered by something that may have nothing to do with the current situation.

Why Triggers Happen

Think of the war veteran who hits the ground when a car backfires or can’t enjoy fireworks because it’s too similar to the sounds of combat. The brain may be able to cognitively recognize it was a car backfiring, but your emotional response says differently.

It was why I couldn’t watch a rape scene or something similar in a movie, because my first husband raped me twice. In my head, I knew it was a movie, didn’t impact me now, but my heart was racing, I was shallow breathing and I wanted out…now!

For reference, EMDR helps to ‘refile’ all your memories (that’s how it was explained to me), so your body no longer responds as if it’s actually happening now. And, I’m here to say EMDR really helped. Not that I enjoy watching anything like that, but I don’t respond as if it’s happening right then to me or that I’m in danger of that happening. Make sense?

How Abuse Amnesia Shows Up in Domestic Violence Cases

Here’s how it can frequently play out in domestic abuse, also called intimate partner violence. It’s sort of classic. A woman has been in an abusive situation for years. Maybe some of it physical, some just emotional abuse. She calls the police for an episode of abuse. This time, he’s pushed her and she hits her head on the wall. She sees stars and takes a second to reorient herself. When the police arrive, she tries to tell her story, but wait, she’s having some difficulty doing so. They ask more clarifying questions, her story changes a little. The abuser accuses her of lying because she’s apparently making it up, changing her story. The police are now looking at her with a wary eye (unless they’ve been properly trained).

Even when she goes to court, her story changes just a little bit, again. The details are fuzzy.

Now, what is going on here? Actually, it could be two things. She could actually be experiencing a TBI because she hit her head pretty hard on the wall, or she could be experiencing some abuse amnesia. Here’s what typically happens: the abuser is not charged and she’s left feeling like no one believes her. She even begins to doubt herself, which typically drives her into silence

The Brain in Survival Mode

So, what’s happening in the brain? According to Edie Zusman, MD a trauma-trained neurosurgeon, when we’re in danger, our sympathetic nervous system takes over. Think fight, flight, freeze and now, fawn. Essentially all the hormones that are secreted during this time of stress, actually decrease the active retention of memory during that period. It’s really a type of survival mechanism in the moment. When our sympathetic nervous systems are activated, our heart rate increases so it can deliver oxygen to other parts of the body (in case you need to run), our pupils get bigger to let in more light so our vision is better. Glucose is released from the liver so we have it available if needed. And, our brain tells our adrenal glands to release adrenaline so we can be ready to fight.

There’s a lot going on all at once. Memories sort of take a backseat.

How Journaling Helped Me See the Truth

This is why when I mentioned I had a really difficult time recounting conversations or experiences, it was my reality. It all makes sense now. It’s why my journal was so important to me during this time. It captured the things I could remember, because I would even put those out of my mind and not be able to recall them later. It’s a horrible experience.

It’s why I was frightened when my former husband told me he was worried about my memory. He was also gaslighting me many times, but there was also the reality that I was unable to recall certain things.

The Overlooked Risk: Brain Injury

The other thing that can be going on is that there can also be an actual brain injury. Zusman reports that if a man walks into an ER with dark sunglasses on and reports a sports injury, he’s immediately worked up for TBI. If a woman walks in with sunglasses on and was abused, we say she’s wearing the sunglasses because she’s embarrassed. She gets treated for an emotional issue. It’s something Dr. Zusman is bringing to light…hallelujah! She suggests sports guidelines for TBI should be used for women experiencing domestic abuse who report any type of head or neck injury or strangulation.

We need more education in our law enforcement departments and medical communities.

Is There Treatment?

Not directly, from what I could glean. Removal of the offending situation is the best place to start. Stop the trauma. This is why some military personnel are removed from combat situations. Abuse victims should similarly be removed. Therapy can be helpful to help with memories as they may surface. Sometimes medication for anxiety can help someone working through these issues.

I hope this has helped clarify what exactly abuse (or dissociative) amnesia is and how it works. So, if you know someone who is in an abusive situation, be gentle with her. Learn more about it so you can recognize the symptoms. She’s really not crazy. She’s living in a near constant state of fear.

If Someone You Know is Experiencing Abuse Amnesia:

• Be patient when details change
• Avoid accusing them of exaggerating
• Encourage documentation (journaling)
• Understand that trauma affects memory
• Help them find trauma-informed support

Your comments are always welcome. I enjoy the connection and conversation.

As always, thanks for being here.

Pam 💜

When survival strategies start running your life

In this issue of my newsletter, I’ll be introducing you to two of your potential Saboteurs: The Pleaser and the Hyper-Rational. We’ll discuss them and then look at how they impact clarity and your productivity, and what you might be able to do to counteract them.

Last week, I introduced you to the main Saboteur, the Judge. We all have it. To review, this saboteur arrives and judges you, others, and circumstances. All of the saboteurs have been with us since childhood, when they were originally developed as survival mechanisms. This doesn’t mean your survival was threatened, though it could have been. It was just a way our brains coped with different events in our lives.

Again, these ideas are adapted from Shirzad Chamine and his book Positive Intelligence.

Let’s get started.

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First Up: The Pleaser

The Pleaser is one of my Saboteurs, though on some level we have probably experienced all of them. It’s just that some are usually more active than others. This one is actually developed as an indirect attempt to gain acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others. I was third out of four girls in my family. My experience within my family was that I wasn’t especially noticed, liked, or enjoyed, especially by my father…again, my experience. I’m not saying he didn’t enjoy me. I have pictures that show a different story.

The Pleaser has a strong desire to be liked and it’ll attempt to earn that by helping others, trying to please them. It might even rescue someone in pain or someone who is struggling (think codependent, without boundaries). It’ll even use flattering others.

Some of the thoughts the Pleaser may have are that to be a good person, it needs to put others’ needs above its own. It is sometimes bothered if others don’t notice or care about what they’ve done for it and think they’re selfish or ungrateful. Sometimes it thinks it can make anyone like it. Also, it may think that if it doesn’t rescue someone, who is going to? It is deeply concerned that someone may be struggling, especially if it has the capacity to help them.

It believes expressing its needs directly, feels selfish. It’s concerned that if if insists on its own needs, it might drive others away. It can also resent being taken for granted but doesn’t have a known way of expressing it to others.

It can lie to justify its actions by telling itself it’s not doing it for itself. It can believe that it’s helping others selflessly and doesn’t expect anything in return.

The impact on itself and others: when the Pleaser is active, it can jeopardize meeting its own needs. This pertains to all needs whether it’s financial, emotional, or physical. It can lead to burnout with resentment standing in the shadows. It also can lead to others becoming dependent on it, rather than learning to take care of their own needs and emotions. It can in turn, feel manipulated and obligated or guilty.

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Next Up: The Hyper-Rational

This saboteur is intense and focuses almost exclusively on the rational processing. This includes relationships. It can be perceived as cold, distant, and intellectually arrogant.

It has an intense and active mind, sometimes coming across as intellectually arrogant or even secretive. It’s pretty private and doesn’t let many people into their deeper feelings. When it does show feelings, it’s mostly through passion for its ideas. It prefers not to get involved in any chaos surrounding it, but will watch it from a distance and analyze it from there. It can lose track of time due to intense concentration and it has a strong inclination towards skepticism and debate.

The thoughts it frequently has are that the rational mind is where it’s at. Feelings are distracting and irrelevant. Others are frequently sloppy and irrational in their thinking. All those needs and intrusions from others are distracting me from my endeavors and therefore I need to block them out. What it values most is understanding, insight and knowledge. Its self-worth is strongly tied to mastering knowledge and competence.

It gets frustrated with the emotionality and what it sees as irrationality of others. It’s anxious about preserving personal time, energy, and resources against intrusions. It often feels different, alone and misunderstood, often skeptical or cynical.

The lies it believes are that the rational mind is the most important thing and it needs to be protected from what it sees as the wasteful intrusion of others and their messy emotions and needs. It prefers to get its work done.

This has a definite impact on itself and others. This frequently shows up by limiting the depth and flexibility of relationships in work and life by analyzing rather than experiencing feelings. By virtue of its nature, it intimidates less analytically minded people.

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Clarity Impact:

Here’s the thing: The Pleaser gets so wrapped up in pleasing others, usually to the detriment of itself. When it do this, it can become disconnected to who they truly are. What their values are becomes secondary and they can begin to live out of alignment with their own determined values. For instance, as a pleaser, I used to frequently lose myself in relationships seeking acceptance. When I first began understanding that and also determining what my core values were, I realized I was not able to be truly authentic in my relationships. I also lacked bravery. The type of bravery that takes up space and doesn’t shrink for another.

Without clarity because we’re too busy pleasing, we can jeopardize our own needs. As mentioned above, it can lead to burnout and resentment. Clarity and resentment/burnout cannot successfully live together.

The Hyper-Rational, on the other hand is so busy being intense and rational, it misses the depth that’s possible in relationships. It obscures the clarity that could be present to connect with another, without being arrogant and thinking it’s intellectually superior. Because, whenever we believe that, we’re close to becoming an island, unable to connect with others which is something we are wired for.

This distortion of the Pleaser and the Hyper-Rational actually destroy clarity…which is what we’re after here at Creating Clarity.

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Productivity Impact:

I’ll reiterate from last week and in the weeks ahead: our Saboteurs run in the background all day. Think of it like having a hundred tabs open on your computer. They’re always running in the background. Taking up space. They replay conversations, catastrophize outcomes, overthink decisions, and procrastinate. That cognitive load drains your focus. It delays the execution you need to feel and be successful. It fragments your energy. You don’t actually need more discipline. In some respects, you need less internal sabotage.

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Beyond the Pesky Saboteurs:

Beyond the Saboteurs is our beautiful Sage brain. Think: clear, calm, decisive. The Sage operates from curiosity instead of fear, a calmness instead of urgency, strategy instead of reaction, compassion instead of shame. It doesn’t deny reality in some sort of “woo-woo” way. It faces it without distortion. It’s a type of mental fitness. And that mental fitness can be trained. That’s the beauty of it.

So what can you do about it? Practice catching yourself and your negative thoughts. There’s more to this idea than can be explained in one newsletter, but here’s a great place to start: When you notice yourself choosing to please versus standing in your own power and beliefs, stop. Just notice it and ask why you think you are choosing to please. It’s a longstanding pattern that has been with you your whole life.

If you notice yourself feeling superior to others, that their feelings are pointless, stop. Consider for a moment how you are impacting that relationship by holding those views. Is it ultimately serving you and/or the relationship? Unfortunately, you do not just stop thinking this way and begin to have deep care and concern for another’s feelings.

This newsletter is really here just to highlight our saboteurs. There’s an entire process Chamine uses to deal with them. They can’t possibly be addressed here in a way that brings honor to his work.

Next week, I’ll introduce you to the Avoider and the Hyper-Vigilant Saboteurs.

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Why I’m Here

One of my passions here at Creating Clarity is just that…creating clarity. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, in the midst of some life transition that has you off your game, or struggling in that certain relationship, usually you’re in need of some clarity. It’s why I coach others. We explore those areas that have you ‘off’. It’s not counseling. The goal is to move forward with awareness of your goals (clarity), with a framework to make them happen and a healthy dose of encouragement.

If you’ve frequently thought, “I can’t keep doing this”, or “I won’t be doing this in 2 years or 5 years”, I ask you what needs to happen to affect change that ensures that won’t be the case? You CAN change the trajectory of your life.

Want to learn more? Book a free call with me and see what we can do together. I offer different packages to meet your needs. Want some real foundational help in your life? I have a package for that. Just need a little help with a specific situation? I have you covered. Why wait any longer wondering what your future holds? You can create it now, even if you can’t yet see it.

Are those voices in your head really yours?

Blog In this issue of my newsletter, we’ll be talking about a new concept. I’ve recently been taking a course by Shirzad Chamine. He wrote the book Positive Intelligence. I’d heard about the concept a year and a half ago. I found it intriguing. Now that I’m finishing up the course and the book, I thought I’d share a little with you over the next eight weeks. I’m calling it the “Meet Your Saboteurs” email series. I hope you enjoy it.

Each week, we’ll look at two of what are called, Saboteurs and then explore the Sage brain and tactics you can use to improve your mental fitness. This is not meant to be exhaustive but more exploratory. Shirzad wrote a book and runs the course pretty frequently if you’d like more information on it.

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So, let’s get started.

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Meet the Master Saboteur: The Judge

That voice you think is you is actually your Judge.

​​The primary Saboteur we all have is called the Judge. Essentially, your mind can be your best friend and it can also be your worst enemy. Have you ever experienced that? The negative self- talk?

​The idea is that we can have control over our mind. Positive Intelligence deals with the concept that our “undetected “Saboteurs” in your mind cause most of your setbacks without your full awareness. The consequences are huge. Only 20 percent of individuals and teams achieve their true potential.” (Positive Intelligence, p. 1).

​That statistic is startling. That’s why I chose to explore it more closely and share what I’ve learned..

Blog Saboteurs are, at their core fear-based mental patterns. They are developed in childhood as survival mechanisms to what are perceived and/or real threats, both physical and mental. Think of them like an intruder that has gained access from enemy territory. Like a good spy, they’ve dismantled your ability to see they are dangerous and you shouldn’t let them in. They convince you they’re there for you, there to help and protect you. Yet, underneath the surface, they are wreaking havoc. As we grow up, we no longer need them because we can take care of ourselves, but they’re so ingrained we don’t necessarily recognize them. It’s pretty fascinating stuff and backed up by plenty of research.

​The Judge is what we call the master Saboteur. Everyone deals with it, while the other Saboteurs vary from person to person and even across different circumstances or seasons of life. How does the Judge operate? It finds fault with you, others, and your circumstances. Its voice can function as what we may think is a ‘tough love’ sort of voice, rather than the destroyer it actually is. Because of the way it acts, it is often the cause for much of our stress, anxiety, anger, shame, and guilt…and the list goes on. The Judge often sounds responsible, even spiritual. It sounds discerning, but it’s rooted in threat, and threat shuts down our clarity. Let’s explore the different ways it impacts you.

How it judges you: It is usually the first one on the scene when you mess up. It’ll say things like, “You idiot, you did it again”, “Can’t you do anything right?, “What were you thinking?”, “You’ll never finish that because you never finish anything.” You get the idea.

​How it judges others: It’s right there when someone else messes up, as well. This version of the Judge will have you focus on what is “wrong” with others and generate negative emotions such as anger, irritation, disappointment, having contempt toward them, or a sense of superiority. It says, “They should do better.” When you actually judge someone to their face, you’re actually activating their Saboteurs. The Judge’s lie? I need to judge others in order to protect you.

​How it judges circumstances: It essentially labels circumstances as “bad” and actually demands you feel bad about them. Think about being stuck in traffic, losing some work or a client, or being stuck at the party with the person who doesn’t stop talking etc. That emotional reaction and how you feel as a result is a direct impact of your Judge.

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Clarity Impact:

Here’s the thing: The Judge distorts perception. That person that yawns while you’re speaking may not be bored by you, they may actually have been up all night with a sick child and be genuinely exhausted. The same yawn can be viewed in at least two very different ways that will cause you to feel two very different ways. In the first, you’d be offended and possibly think, “I must be boring, they can’t stand being here with me and wish they were somewhere different.” The second scenario would hopefully cause you to feel some empathy for them and encourage them to get some rest. You’d have no need to be offended.

​This distortion of the Judge actually destroys clarity…which is what we’re after here at Creating Clarity.

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Productivity Impact:

Our Saboteurs run in the background all day. Think of it like having a hundred tabs open on your computer. They’re always running in the background. Taking up space. They replay conversations, catastrophize outcomes, overthink decisions, and procrastinate. That cognitive load drains your focus. It delays the execution you desperately need to feel and be successful. It fragments your energy. You don’t actually need more discipline. In some respects, you need less internal sabotage.

​

Beyond the Pesky Saboteurs:

Beyond the Saboteurs is our beautiful Sage brain. Think: clear, calm, decisive. The Sage operates from curiosity instead of fear, a calmness instead of urgency, strategy instead of reaction, compassion instead of shame. It doesn’t deny reality in some sort of “woo-woo” way. It faces it without distortion. It’s a type of mental fitness. And that mental fitness can be trained. That’s the beauty of it.

​So what can you do about it? Practice catching yourself and your negative thoughts. There’s more to this idea than can be explained in one newsletter, but here’s a great place to start: When self criticism arises, say, “This is my Judge speaking.” Then ask, “What are the facts without the story?” Here, you’re concentrating on “Just the facts, ma’am.” Sometimes that little redirect is enough to stop the Saboteur.

​Next week, I’ll introduce you to the Pleaser and the Hyper-Rational Saboteurs.

​One of my passions here at Creating Clarity, is just that…creating clarity. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, in the midst of some life transition that has you off your game, or struggling in that certain relationship, usually, you’re in need of some Clarity. It’s why I coach others. We explore those areas that have you ‘off’. It’s not counseling. The goal is to move forward with awareness of your goals (clarity), frameworks to make them happen and a healthy dose of encouragement. Want to learn more? Book a free call with me and see what we can do together. I offer different packages to meet your needs. Want some real foundational help in your life? I have a package for that. Just need a little help with a specific situation? I have you covered. Why wait any longer wondering what your future holds? You can create it now, even if you can’t yet see it.

Thanks for being here.

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Do you have influence and can you develop it?

“Power is of two kinds: One is obtained by fear of punishment and the other by acts of love.” Mahatma Gandhi

In this issue of my newsletter, we’ll be talking about Influence.

What it is.

Why it’s essential.

How to develop it.

What is Influence?

When I first began learning about influence, I came from a jaded perspective. I’d been manipulated and it had nearly ruined me. The problem was that I considered that type of power…power I allowed someone to have in my life, as influence. And in some ways, it was. It was a type of negative influence.

Since beginning my coaching journey… taking courses, reading books, coaching, being coached…I’ve come to view influence quite differently.

So what is influence?

​Merriam-Webster defines it a few ways:

1. The power or capacity to cause an effect in indirect or intangible ways; sway
2. a. The act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command.
   b. Corrupt interference with authority for personal gain.
3. One that exerts influence.

Recently, I’ve come to view influence in a very positive light. Many of my clients bristle when we talk about influence and developing it in their lives. I like to clarify and say, “I’m talking about influence with people, not over people.” Major difference.

Why Influence is Essential

Without influence, we struggle. Here are six reasons influence matters:

1. Influence makes a difference in relationships. Maybe you’re trying to get a project moved forward at work or convince a spouse to see something from your perspective. Again, this is not to be thought of as coercive control but rather professional/loving collaboration.
2. Influence can help you achieve your goals. With the right influence developed, you can move mountains. Influence is not commanding from the top down demanding compliance or submission.
3. Influence creates safety. Ooh, this is good! Ethical influence fosters trust. When people feel seen, heard, and respected, they are more open to reflection, learning and change. Without that safety, influence turns into pressure or compliance…definitely not what we’re looking for. The type of influence I’m suggesting recognizes power differences and handles them with care. There will frequently be power differences: the employee doesn’t have the same say in company decisions as the CEO because they don’t understand all the varying aspects of a company that go into making said decisions.
4. Influence sets cultural norms. What we normalize through influence becomes culture…whether in families, organizations, churches, or communities. Good influence models accountability, humility, and mutual respect. Couldn’t we all use a little more of that?
5. Influence is central to healing and change. Lasting change rarely comes from force. It comes from influence that honors the person, timing, their readiness, and dignity. Especially for those who have experienced trauma or abuse. You don’t always know what people have gone through and maybe how influence was injurious.
6. Influence carries moral responsibility. To influence is to affect another human being’s inner and outer world. Proper influence recognizes this as a moral act. One that requires self-awareness, restraint, and accountability. We must develop those traits so as to develop proper influence.

How to Develop Influence

I’ll touch on three points we can work on to develop influence.

• Influence how people think. I know this may sound arrogant, but I’m not suggesting you come at it in a way that shows that your way is better than how they’re currently thinking. It’s about getting them to think about themselves, others, and the world. Most of us already do this in some fashion when we say, “Think of it this way,” “What do you think about…?”, “What are your thoughts on how we approach this…?” If we’re in a work environment, we want to clearly communicate how people should be thinking about themselves, their competitors, their customers, their peers. You create the culture. Have you created values for your team, your family etc? Have they been conveyed clearly?

• Champion others. A large number of employed adults in the U.S. do not feel valued by their employers and sufficiently rewarded for their efforts. Many don’t feel involved enough in decision making, helping to solve problems or setting any goals. While I know not all companies can include every employee in these areas (they’d likely not be able to get much done), it’s important to understand many feel this way. How can we change that? Champion them. Encourage them. Praise them publicly for a job well done or something extra they did. Understand if there’s big things going on in their lives. There’s a big difference in how an employee whose mom is going through chemotherapy feels when the boss just walks by and says nothing versus, “Hey, Bob. How’s it going? How’s your mom doing?” Night and day, and it doesn’t take some monumental effort.

• Role model the way. “We don’t believe the message if we don’t believe the messenger. Who you are, how you show up in life, the actions you take, and the values and principles you enact are closely watched by the world.” -Brendon Burchard. Not much needs to be said here, in my opinion. If they see you slacking off, they’re apt to do the same. They notice you take the trash out, they’ll take notice and be more inclined to help around the office, usually. They’ll notice how you treat others. Are you patient, do you listen like the person matters, do you treat customers and talk about them when they’re not there kindly? You get the idea.

In Closing

Hopefully, you’ve come to see influence as something positive and to develop in your life. If you’ve found yourself on the wrong side of good influence, I hope you can see the value in a broader, kinder approach. I leave you some questions I ask my clients when we discuss this issue:

1. What values do you want people to experience when they are with you?
2. Where do you hold more power or visibility than you may realize?
3. What helps you stay grounded in influence without taking responsibility for others’ choices?
4. What does repair look like for you when your influence misses the mark?
5. What would influence look like for you, without control, fixing, or self-abandonment?

Remember: the best version of yourself lies on the other side of your fear.

How I’m working on both

Can courage and/or confidence be developed or are you born with it?

I’ve never considered myself to have either of them.

On the other hand, it took great courage to leave my first abusive marriage. I was in that marriage mostly because I had no confidence, so I find it interesting I was able to muster courage.

But threats of death while you have 3 little children has a funny way of helping you find courage. Life or death thoughts can cause you to find courage.

And yet, all my life, I’d consider myself a back row kind of participant, the background helper, not the out front taking charge, handing out orders and successfully leading a group to do anything.

Then, I became a coach earlier this year. A High Performance Life Coach. Certified, baby!

My life had changed considerably. I was wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I’d turned 60 last year and was newly divorced. I considered going back to nursing but in the end, while there were a few challenges, it was that I couldn’t get behind the medical model anymore as it is functioning. I didn’t necessarily need to work but couldn’t imagine not doing something.

I’ve always loved helping people, encouraging and empowering them when they’re against the odds. I did this a lot in my years as an oncology nurse. I was always amazed at the courage my patients mustered. I learned so much from them. Rarely did any of them have a confidence in facing their reality. They had courage.

So, how did I get here, you ask? It was serendipity, really.

I’d been receiving an email from a newsletter for probably 3 years, every Sunday. In that span of time, I’d probably read about 3 of those newsletters. It was one random Sunday, when I thought, “I’ve liked this guy. He’s upbeat. I think I’ll give his newsletter a read.” And so I did.

That was my introduction to the coaching world. He was having a training starting in just a few days. Wait, What? What was I thinking? What would this entail? It was pricey. I had the time, but did I want to spend that kind of money?

I talked to a very wise and smart business woman friend of mine on one of our morning walks. I signed up that day. That’s when all the doubt came flooding in.

“What did I just do? I can’t be a coach! Who am I kidding?” And on and on it went.

I did it. It was all virtual but we were taught a module then broken off into rooms with 2 or 3 people from all around the world. One would be the coach, one the client and if there was a third, they were to watch, critique and learn.

My first breakout, the two experienced coaches (because many of them were coaches getting their re-certification) informed me I would be the coach. (Insert utter look of horror and fear, here).

I pulled up my big girl pants after telling myself I would never be good at this if I didn’t step up and try. I needed feedback and I was willing to do it.

That my friends, is Courage.

I had ZERO confidence in myself, any abilities I may have etc. This was stepping out while fear wrapped itself around me like an anaconda, intent on squeezing the life out of me.

I survived and they both told me I was really good and they couldn’t believe it was my first time ever coaching. Oh, heck yes, it was!

That episode was the very first, albeit tiny, brick of confidence laid in my foundation of coaching.

You see, confidence is really a belief in yourself or your own capabilities. It’s the feeling of being capable, competent and worthy. I have plenty of other things I’m fairly confident in, either because there’s a bit of natural talent or because I’ve honed a skill. With me continuing to coach others, and the feedback I’ve received, my confidence is growing bit by bit. Another skill I am honing.

Courage, on the other hand is being able to act in the face of fear. It’s about doing what’s right (moral courage) even when it’s scary, like putting yourself in danger to save or help someone else. Sometimes it may be fueled by a sense of duty, but not always.

I think of my son-in-law who had arrived with my daughter and their dog at a river in MO one summer day. They heard people screaming and laughing, and before long they realized they were screams of terror. People were drowning. My son-in-law ran over, asked what was going on. He was able to save one man, grabbed his goggles and went looking for the young girl. It was too much, the current too strong and the waters muddy. She was not found that day but, without much forethought, my son-in-law exhibited great courage. He knew there was danger for him, as he dove into the turbulent waters, but he did his best despite those fears. Courage.

Courage involves overcoming anxieties, doubts, and the instinct to retreat (like me in my very first coaching session). Though no one’s life was at stake, I felt strongly my entire sense of self, self-esteem was on the line, and yet I overcame my anxieties and did it.

Through my coaching others and being coached, I’ve learned the invaluable value of courage. I’ve had many opportunities to exercise it and I have. And with each opportunity I take to exercise it, face my fears and anxieties and do the thing anyhow, I am building a muscle. There is no anaconda to strangle me, no matter how I may feel.

In fact, once I’ve exercised courage, I’m elated, stunned even that it was so easy and that my fears really weren’t to be feared at all.

One of my biggest fears recently was the fear not only of failure, but of others seeing me as a beginner. Once I realized that, I knew I had to do it anyhow. I was a beginner in this one arena.

And I did it anyhow!

And my confidence grew. I now have another shining example of how I won’t perish because I’m new at something. I’m not saying I’ll never fail. I very well may, but if I don’t try, that’s another type of failure in my book.

So, that’s how I’m working on my courage and confidence.

How about you? What do you fear? What have you done recently or in your life that exhibited courage? How did it make you feel?