What exactly is it and can it be improved?
When Memory Goes Missing in Abuse
For years I believed something was wrong with my memory.
Conversations would disappear. Events would blur together. When I tried to explain what had happened in my marriage, I often couldn’t recall details clearly enough to make sense of it.
I later learned there was a name for what I was experiencing: abuse amnesia.
I thought I’d offer some clarification on a topic that came up in my Live with Traci at Let’s Get UnStuck this past Wednesday about abuse amnesia.
You can listen here:
https://creatingclarity.substack.com/p/lets-get-unstuck-x-pam-voss
Traci had me read one of my articles about how my journaling led me to really see what was going on in my marriage.
Without journaling, I’m honestly not sure I would have ever gained enough clarity to leave my marriage.
I began writing things down because conversations seemed to disappear. I would remember something happening, but later I couldn’t recall the details clearly enough to explain it. It was so frustrating and confusing.
When I went back and read my journal entries, the pattern became undeniable. That was frightening.
That was the beginning of my clarity. Read here
What Is Abuse Amnesia
One of the things that came up in the Live with Traci was the idea of abuse amnesia. Yes, it’s a thing. It is sometimes called dissociative amnesia.
It is very common in people who have experienced traumatic events, witnessed traumatic events like war or horrible accidents, and experienced long-term abuse whether it is physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or financial. It can all contribute.
So what exactly is it? Is it permanent?
Technically, there are a few types of dissociative amnesia. I won’t go into all of them or get too technical here. You’re most welcome.
This type of amnesia, also called abuse amnesia when it is in relation to abuse is when your mind blocks out important information about yourself, conversations, experiences, etc. One of the common reasons it occurs is that your mind is trying to block out things to protect you from unpleasant, distressing or otherwise traumatic experiences.
It’s not the same as simply forgetting something. Typically you have the memories but can’t just access them. There’s a lot going on up in that ol’ noggin of ours. It’s responsible for memories, our sense of identity, perception (think vision and hearing), motor ability to name a few. When our brain dissociates, it’s a defense mechanism that our mind can use to keep one or more of these things from working with the rest.
So what’s happening?
How Trauma Affects the Brain
Physiologically, your brain is actually changing. Promise I won’t go deep. The hippocampus that is responsible for storing and releasing memories, actually shrinks with long-term stress (think cortisol) and episodes of trauma that cause PTSD.
The amygdala, on the other hand, is more primal. It controls things such as breathing and heart rate and basic emotions of love, hate, fear and lust that are considered primal emotions. It’s also responsible for the fight-or-flight response. Victims of abuse live in this state almost constantly. The amygdala remembers the things we felt, saw and heard each time we have a traumatic experience. This is why subliminal hints or even photos can trigger all the emotions.
How Trauma Scrambles Memory Filing
When it was suggested I get EMDR therapy during my marriage counseling for clear signs of PTSD I was still experiencing from my first marriage, I learned how the brain and memories work.
Typically (and this is my rendition of what the counselor told me), our brain forms memories, stores them similar to how you would store things in a filing cabinet (think I just gave away my age).
When either something happened to trigger that memory or it was somehow brought up, your brain knows right where to go to retrieve the memory and re-experience it, if you will.
When there’s trauma present, your brain files things chaotically and not necessarily in the best place in the filing cabinet. This is how you can be very triggered by something that may have nothing to do with the current situation.
Why Triggers Happen
Think of the war veteran who hits the ground when a car backfires or can’t enjoy fireworks because it’s too similar to the sounds of combat. The brain may be able to cognitively recognize it was a car backfiring, but your emotional response says differently.
It was why I couldn’t watch a rape scene or something similar in a movie, because my first husband raped me twice. In my head, I knew it was a movie, didn’t impact me now, but my heart was racing, I was shallow breathing and I wanted out…now!
For reference, EMDR helps to ‘refile’ all your memories (that’s how it was explained to me), so your body no longer responds as if it’s actually happening now. And, I’m here to say EMDR really helped. Not that I enjoy watching anything like that, but I don’t respond as if it’s happening right then to me or that I’m in danger of that happening. Make sense?
How Abuse Amnesia Shows Up in Domestic Violence Cases
Here’s how it can frequently play out in domestic abuse, also called intimate partner violence. It’s sort of classic. A woman has been in an abusive situation for years. Maybe some of it physical, some just emotional abuse. She calls the police for an episode of abuse. This time, he’s pushed her and she hits her head on the wall. She sees stars and takes a second to reorient herself. When the police arrive, she tries to tell her story, but wait, she’s having some difficulty doing so. They ask more clarifying questions, her story changes a little. The abuser accuses her of lying because she’s apparently making it up, changing her story. The police are now looking at her with a wary eye (unless they’ve been properly trained).
Even when she goes to court, her story changes just a little bit, again. The details are fuzzy.
Now, what is going on here? Actually, it could be two things. She could actually be experiencing a TBI because she hit her head pretty hard on the wall, or she could be experiencing some abuse amnesia. Here’s what typically happens: the abuser is not charged and she’s left feeling like no one believes her. She even begins to doubt herself, which typically drives her into silence
The Brain in Survival Mode
So, what’s happening in the brain? According to Edie Zusman, MD a trauma-trained neurosurgeon, when we’re in danger, our sympathetic nervous system takes over. Think fight, flight, freeze and now, fawn. Essentially all the hormones that are secreted during this time of stress, actually decrease the active retention of memory during that period. It’s really a type of survival mechanism in the moment. When our sympathetic nervous systems are activated, our heart rate increases so it can deliver oxygen to other parts of the body (in case you need to run), our pupils get bigger to let in more light so our vision is better. Glucose is released from the liver so we have it available if needed. And, our brain tells our adrenal glands to release adrenaline so we can be ready to fight.
There’s a lot going on all at once. Memories sort of take a backseat.
How Journaling Helped Me See the Truth
This is why when I mentioned I had a really difficult time recounting conversations or experiences, it was my reality. It all makes sense now. It’s why my journal was so important to me during this time. It captured the things I could remember, because I would even put those out of my mind and not be able to recall them later. It’s a horrible experience.
It’s why I was frightened when my former husband told me he was worried about my memory. He was also gaslighting me many times, but there was also the reality that I was unable to recall certain things.
The Overlooked Risk: Brain Injury
The other thing that can be going on is that there can also be an actual brain injury. Zusman reports that if a man walks into an ER with dark sunglasses on and reports a sports injury, he’s immediately worked up for TBI. If a woman walks in with sunglasses on and was abused, we say she’s wearing the sunglasses because she’s embarrassed. She gets treated for an emotional issue. It’s something Dr. Zusman is bringing to light…hallelujah! She suggests sports guidelines for TBI should be used for women experiencing domestic abuse who report any type of head or neck injury or strangulation.
We need more education in our law enforcement departments and medical communities.
Is There Treatment?
Not directly, from what I could glean. Removal of the offending situation is the best place to start. Stop the trauma. This is why some military personnel are removed from combat situations. Abuse victims should similarly be removed. Therapy can be helpful to help with memories as they may surface. Sometimes medication for anxiety can help someone working through these issues.
I hope this has helped clarify what exactly abuse (or dissociative) amnesia is and how it works. So, if you know someone who is in an abusive situation, be gentle with her. Learn more about it so you can recognize the symptoms. She’s really not crazy. She’s living in a near constant state of fear.
If Someone You Know is Experiencing Abuse Amnesia:
- Be patient when details change
- Avoid accusing them of exaggerating
- Encourage documentation (journaling)
- Understand that trauma affects memory
- Help them find trauma-informed support
Your comments are always welcome. I enjoy the connection and conversation.
As always, thanks for being here.
Pam 💜