How I’m working on both
Can courage and/or confidence be developed or are you born with it?
I’ve never considered myself to have either of them.
On the other hand, it took great courage to leave my first abusive marriage. I was in that marriage mostly because I had no confidence, so I find it interesting I was able to muster courage.
But threats of death while you have 3 little children has a funny way of helping you find courage. Life or death thoughts can cause you to find courage.
And yet, all my life, I’d consider myself a back row kind of participant, the background helper, not the out front taking charge, handing out orders and successfully leading a group to do anything.
Then, I became a coach earlier this year. A High Performance Life Coach. Certified, baby!
My life had changed considerably. I was wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I’d turned 60 last year and was newly divorced. I considered going back to nursing but in the end, while there were a few challenges, it was that I couldn’t get behind the medical model anymore as it is functioning. I didn’t necessarily need to work but couldn’t imagine not doing something.
I’ve always loved helping people, encouraging and empowering them when they’re against the odds. I did this a lot in my years as an oncology nurse. I was always amazed at the courage my patients mustered. I learned so much from them. Rarely did any of them have a confidence in facing their reality. They had courage.
So, how did I get here, you ask? It was serendipity, really.
I’d been receiving an email from a newsletter for probably 3 years, every Sunday. In that span of time, I’d probably read about 3 of those newsletters. It was one random Sunday, when I thought, “I’ve liked this guy. He’s upbeat. I think I’ll give his newsletter a read.” And so I did.
That was my introduction to the coaching world. He was having a training starting in just a few days. Wait, What? What was I thinking? What would this entail? It was pricey. I had the time, but did I want to spend that kind of money?
I talked to a very wise and smart business woman friend of mine on one of our morning walks. I signed up that day. That’s when all the doubt came flooding in.
“What did I just do? I can’t be a coach! Who am I kidding?” And on and on it went.
I did it. It was all virtual but we were taught a module then broken off into rooms with 2 or 3 people from all around the world. One would be the coach, one the client and if there was a third, they were to watch, critique and learn.
My first breakout, the two experienced coaches (because many of them were coaches getting their re-certification) informed me I would be the coach. (Insert utter look of horror and fear, here).
I pulled up my big girl pants after telling myself I would never be good at this if I didn’t step up and try. I needed feedback and I was willing to do it.
That my friends, is Courage.
I had ZERO confidence in myself, any abilities I may have etc. This was stepping out while fear wrapped itself around me like an anaconda, intent on squeezing the life out of me.
I survived and they both told me I was really good and they couldn’t believe it was my first time ever coaching. Oh, heck yes, it was!
That episode was the very first, albeit tiny, brick of confidence laid in my foundation of coaching.
You see, confidence is really a belief in yourself or your own capabilities. It’s the feeling of being capable, competent and worthy. I have plenty of other things I’m fairly confident in, either because there’s a bit of natural talent or because I’ve honed a skill. With me continuing to coach others, and the feedback I’ve received, my confidence is growing bit by bit. Another skill I am honing.
Courage, on the other hand is being able to act in the face of fear. It’s about doing what’s right (moral courage) even when it’s scary, like putting yourself in danger to save or help someone else. Sometimes it may be fueled by a sense of duty, but not always.
I think of my son-in-law who had arrived with my daughter and their dog at a river in MO one summer day. They heard people screaming and laughing, and before long they realized they were screams of terror. People were drowning. My son-in-law ran over, asked what was going on. He was able to save one man, grabbed his goggles and went looking for the young girl. It was too much, the current too strong and the waters muddy. She was not found that day but, without much forethought, my son-in-law exhibited great courage. He knew there was danger for him, as he dove into the turbulent waters, but he did his best despite those fears. Courage.
Courage involves overcoming anxieties, doubts, and the instinct to retreat (like me in my very first coaching session). Though no one’s life was at stake, I felt strongly my entire sense of self, self-esteem was on the line, and yet I overcame my anxieties and did it.
Through my coaching others and being coached, I’ve learned the invaluable value of courage. I’ve had many opportunities to exercise it and I have. And with each opportunity I take to exercise it, face my fears and anxieties and do the thing anyhow, I am building a muscle. There is no anaconda to strangle me, no matter how I may feel.
In fact, once I’ve exercised courage, I’m elated, stunned even that it was so easy and that my fears really weren’t to be feared at all.
One of my biggest fears recently was the fear not only of failure, but of others seeing me as a beginner. Once I realized that, I knew I had to do it anyhow. I was a beginner in this one arena.
And I did it anyhow!
And my confidence grew. I now have another shining example of how I won’t perish because I’m new at something. I’m not saying I’ll never fail. I very well may, but if I don’t try, that’s another type of failure in my book.
So, that’s how I’m working on my courage and confidence.
How about you? What do you fear? What have you done recently or in your life that exhibited courage? How did it make you feel?